Why the Holidays Feel So Hard When You’ve Experienced Relational Trauma

By Dr. Camille Sauder, DMFT, LMFT #133242

For many people, the holidays are marketed as a season of joy, connection, and togetherness. But for women who carry the impact of relational trauma — especially trauma rooted in family, past partners, or emotionally unsafe environments — this time of year can feel overwhelmingly heavy.

If the holidays bring up anxiety, sadness, shutdown, or a sense of dread, you’re not “being dramatic” and you certainly are not alone. You’re having a valid response to a season filled with emotional triggers, social expectations, and reminders of past pain.

Let’s explore why the holidays can feel so hard — and how you can care for yourself with compassion.

The Holidays Often Bring You Back into Old Family Patterns

Family gatherings tend to activate old roles:

the peacekeeper

the parentified child

the fixer

the one who stays quiet

the one who holds everything together

Even if you’ve grown, healed, or created healthier patterns in your adult life, stepping back into these systems can unconsciously pull you into old survival strategies — like people-pleasing, shutting down, or walking on eggshells.

Relational trauma lives in the body, not just the mind. Returning to the environment where the wound was created can make your nervous system feel unsafe, even if nothing “bad” is happening in the moment.

This, coupled with the pressures and expectations that the Holidays come with, can lead to confusing and heavy emotions.

The Season Emphasizes Expectations You Couldn’t Meet Growing Up

Many women with relational trauma grew up with:

emotionally unavailable caregivers

unpredictable moods in the household

parents who needed them to act “perfect”

criticism instead of comfort

love that felt conditional

Holiday messages — “family is everything,” “everyone should love being together,” or “you should be grateful” — can feel invalidating or even painful.

If your childhood did not match the idealized holiday version, the contrast can highlight grief you haven’t had space to name.

The Holidays Can Bring Up Relationship Pain

If you’re:

single

grieving a breakup

feeling disconnected from a partner

longing for closeness but afraid of it

longing for the family relationships you never had

longing for a partner

longing for a child

…Pressure around the holidays magnifies that sense of “something is missing.”

If, while growing up, you had a pervasive sense that something was missing, or that something should not have been happening, the holidays can be a grave reminder of this pain as you feel the pressure to "be merry."

Sensory Overload + Emotional Overload = Shutdown

Crowded stores, traffic, travel planning, social events, and constant stimulation can overwhelm anyone — but especially someone with a nervous system shaped by trauma.

Signs of holiday overwhelm may include:

irritability

fatigue

feeling “checked out”

headaches or muscle tension

needing more alone time

crying easily

trouble sleeping

Your body is not betraying you — it’s trying to keep you safe.

You May Feel Pressure to Perform “Holiday Cheer”

Many trauma survivors learned early on to hide their true feelings to keep the peace.

This can show up during the holidays as:

smiling when you’re exhausted

saying yes to events you don’t want to attend

giving gifts out of obligation

trying to make everyone else happy

It’s hard to enjoy the season when your nervous system is stuck in the role of “the strong one” or “the one who holds it all together.”

Grief Feels Heavier During the Holidays

The holidays often stir up grief around:

the family you didn’t have

the love you wanted but never received

breakups or divorces

estranged relationships

the version of yourself you’re still trying to heal

Grief is a sign that something mattered: Something you had, or maybe something you didn’t have.

How to Care for Yourself During This Season

You deserve gentleness during this time. Some supportive practices might include:

• Create boundaries

Examples: “I can stay for two hours,” or “I won’t discuss my relationship status.”

• Build pockets of rest into your plans

Your nervous system needs intentional downtime.

• Allow yourself to grieve what’s missing

Your grief is valid, and it is likely being amplified by all of the narratives that surround the holidays. One of the most compassionate things you can do for yourself is allow yourself to feel it, and move through it, with the right supports in place.

• Connect with people who feel safe

Chosen family counts.

• Practice grounding skills before and after gatherings

Deep breathing, reading a good book, a warm shower, stepping outside for air — small things help.

• Consider creating new traditions that match the person you’re becoming

You’re allowed to rewrite the holidays.

You’re Not Alone — Support Is Available

If the holiday season brings up anxiety, relational pain, or emotional overwhelm, you don’t have to move through it by yourself.

I specialize in helping women in California heal from relational trauma, rebuild self-trust, and feel safer in their bodies and relationships.

If you live in California and this season feels heavy, I invite you to reach out for a free 15-minute consultation. Together, we can create a space where you feel understood, supported, and genuinely cared for.

You can find more information about how I work as a therapist at https://www.dr-camille-sauder.com/

Warmly,

Dr. Camille Sauder, DMFT, LMFT #133242

dr.camille.sauder@gmail.com

423-653-1423